Best Workout Ever

I recently discovered a new work out routine which is really helping my fat ass burn some unwanted carbs..

STEP 1- Get dressed in your best workout clothes and lace up the New Balances.

STEP 2- Download a playlist of the crudest african american, aka nigger, rap you can find. Preferably including the “Slob On My Knob” track and this crazy track where some high Africans butcher every American nursery rhyme known to man. With lines like, “Momma Bear asked Pappa Bear if he would eat her porridge. Papa Bear said, Shit, Bitch you must think I’m sick. Just get down here on your knees and suck this bear ass dick”

STEP 3- Run to your mail box and back about ten times. Really feel the music and run like those rapping banshies are chasing you. Make sure your heart rate is at a high and your balls have started to stick to your legs.

Step 4- Hurry inside to the bathroom, strip off all your clothes and turn the heater on high.

Step 5- Beat off harder than you ever have while holding your breath. Your penis might not be erect for the first few minutes, but that is the best part. Pull it like your trying to start a chain saw. Pretend you are black fucking a blonde. Rip it and grip it…

Step 6- Cum.

Step 7- Take your first breath and try not to pass out. 

 

Hope everyone enjoys. This picture really has zero relevance but a man stroking a wooden elephant penis made me laugh.

 

 I

“P Diddy is Buggin”

Ok so no I couldn’t find the marvelous video of puff daddy (sean combs) making a ass of himself talking about John McCain selecting Sarah Palin as his Vice President nominee.

I looked everywhere and apparently Sean hit so hard that some websites won’t carry it anymore, well damn Diddy.

First off, when I want some political analysis, I have to be honest, Sean Combs isn’t the first dumbass Im hoping for. Really Diddy? You think you great knowledge of politics and republicans are going to insprire people not to vote for them and give them the go ahead to rock the vote with Obama? What a joke.

Maybe you should spend a little more time making that band you have spent the last 3 or 4 years trying to make? Apparently you musical talent ( bullshit all this asshole can do is make beats with samples from other people who actually know how to make music) isnt as good as you and only you have though.

Does it really take 4 seasons to make a band that we all know couldnt make a ham sandwhich for fucking o-town? Yeah I said, bring back o-town, the original band that was looking to be made.

Just a few thought there diddy, if you need me to go down to the local corner and grab you a sugar cookie or maybe brand spankin new Sean Jean demin jacket, I will, aslong as it means we will never ever have to hear you talk politics again., hearing you talk politics makes me wish Mase would of never found God.

Shaver’s out!

I Want to go to the Grand Canyon

I was very lucky to come across Joy and Bernice, two ladies who just wanna party on there new hoveround which could go down as the greatest invention ever. The shit got them all the way to the grand canyon. Look at those old people suits there wearing too, not harmed at all.

The Hoveround can also be used instead of a tractor or a pickup truck, the shocks on this baby is amazing. Im really thinking about calling that number on the commercial, by God Joy and Bernice, you old pieces of shit have sold me.

How could anyone not want this machine, now for people like me who are lazy as shit, it just gives me another reason to keep on keeping on.

Anyway, good to be back to the blog, we took a extended vacation, but hey we’re back for good.

asheville……….

i’m in asheville n.c. on business right now. this is the south and yet i feel like im in a fucking grotto. i got russian jews and eastern europeans and white people every where with dred locks. how the hell did north carolina let this place sneak into their state? tyler hansbrough and roy williams will not stand for this shit if they find out. psycho t does not do dreds on crackers.

seriously though this is the strangest location i could ever think of for what i can only call “white jamaica”. there is culture here and art and shitty folk music and she/he bitches with gotees and leg hair. the coolest feature though is the bearded man named “yosef” who works at the local grocery store. i’m not sure it hes a sailor or a rabbhi. asheville is fucking up. man oh man, go heels!

animals with no dicks? where do they come from?

sharks got no dicks. penguins got no dicks. chickens got no dicks. the list goes on. you ever seen a seal dick or dolphin dick for that matter? i didnt think so. where the hell are these creatures coming from? we have a couple of options here. 1.they’re robots. 2.the russians. 3.the chinese (most likely cuplprits). 4.the japanese. 5.david stern or bud selig. 6.bill gates.

they just discovered 125,000 gorillas in ecquadorial africa. but you and i both know………. gorillas got big ole tom byron dicks. on the topic, how the hell do they know its 125 g’s. did they ask the rillas to line up for them and do a head count?

as for these other amphibious and woodland creatures, i have no idea. i blame it on the saudis and gas prices. actually i think its the damn scientologists. tom cruise is breeding these animals in his back yard. i knew that bastard was a warlock. seriously though, millions of animals and not one dick. whats going on here.    mitochondria out.

Abortions, Ya Dig

     So maybe the title for this blog is wrong and makes you throw up in your mouth like it made me, but it’s pretty accurate. We all know at least one girl who has gotten an abortion because she was backed up in a corner. (This corner is normally filled with cock and semen and the backing up was due to doggy style sex.) I have known a few girls who get knocked up just because it’s two for one at the clinic and they’re always showing the newest Martin Lawrence flick while you wait. I’ve never protested in DC or been apart of any “Kill The Abortion Doctor” rallies that my old church would throw… but my favorite part in Me, Myself, and Irene is when Jim Carrey steals that babies milk while deep throating the mommies utters, so I’m pretty sure this makes me against the issue. 

     Unfortunately showing scary movies of a girls fetus getting ripped out in Heavens Gates & Hells Flames theatrical plays (was Brother John playing the Devil, or was the Devil playing Brother John) is not getting us any closer to the finish line. Maybe it is time to stop looking at the cons of the situation and start finding a few fucking pros. Abortion is legal in most states and in the few where it is illegal to rip babies from the womb a little petroleum jelly and a trusty coat hanger gets the job done, which doubles as a hot dog roaster when you are finished. However, in most of these states anal sex is illegal and looked down upon. Now stay with here. Most females state they do not reach maximum climax while having sex to begin with and most guys claim anal sex is the best thing since Uncrustables Sandwiches. Why not cut out the middle man, in the case being a fucking human being, and take it down the Anal Avenue every time we take that trip? 

     I know everyone can’t get away with using the same birth control method my girlfriend and I use, which is called a prayer, but they can look to alternative methods of preventing a future fuck up on society. This new generation of girls think they are too good to take a shot in the mouth. Ladies listen to me, guys don’t like doing that because its fucking awesome, they do it for you. They do it because its the safest way to prevent that egg from hatching… and they do it because a girl who swallows is tidy and those make the best wives. 

     In conclusion, ladies if you get pregnant you are right, it did take two people to make that beautiful bundle of joy.. However, if anyone is to blame it’s you, because there isn’t one guy in American who didn’t try to cum it up in one of your other two holes before you insisting he go balls deep in your meat wallet.

Everybody Loves Prostitution

So I was watching the news today. I usually watch a hour or so a day. Sometimes it’s hard for me since all these news channels have the policy ” Only bad news is good news” Ok maybe they wont come out and say thats there policy but lets cut through the bullshit it is. You can’t hide it.

Back to the point. I watching the news and a real fine story about prostitution (which always catches my eye) San Francisco will decide in a few days about legalizing prostitution. Well you know, I do have some morals and maybe back when I was 15 and a little pussy I would of said what the hell? There’s no way they can do that, its so wrong blah blah blah. Well guess what, Fred Shavers has grown up, and times have changed.

You know when you think of San Francisco, obviously the first thing you think of is Gays. And maybe a close second is Fulll House. Well I say why not add a little flavor to san fran, a little depth as I would say. Its going to add so much to the city and so many more options. Say you’re a straight man like me, and I go to San Fran and I want to get me a good quality poke, well hey, Im in san fran, the perfect location. let’s get sweaty. It’s just going to add more options for a everyday straight man to do in san fran, lets be honest, we arent going to a fucking giants or 49′s game, they’re horrible. And I’m sure there’s some out there saying it will change the city, I just dont see it, it won’t affect the gays at all, if you are a gay and you just want some dick, hey san fran is still gonna be considered dick heaven, to me anyway, but just adding a little flavor called Vagina (even though it will probably be a little dirty) makes this city, my new favorite city potentially.

Just a observation, Shavers Out!

http://www.worldnetdaily.com/index.php?fa=PAGE.view&pageId=70050

Tits Or Ass

Most guys know which one they prefer with little hesitation, and the ones who are still riding the fence probably just had a bad experience. (Example A: Just pulled the pearls out of Dirt Road Davis with your teeth and she shit like a baby. Example B: Surprise sleepover at Grandmother’s and you catch her shirtless with a right nipple that looks like it got napalmed in Nam.)

The “Tit Guy” is going to be a more rugged guy. Typically from the oil field or a shop worker who deep down is an “Ass Guy” but thinks it would make him queer if he preferred it. The “Tit Guy” drinks beer and masturbates with no lubrication. His favorite place to eat is Hooters, not for the food, but because he can get away with drooling over some slut’s knockers and tipping isn’t mandatory. His prefers a girl facing him on top when having sex but will settle for reverse cowgirl if a mirror is involved.  Bert is a prime example of a “Tit Guy.” He’s not just smoking a normal cigarette in this picture. That Camel was dipped in freshly squeezed titty milk before he lit it up.

The “Ass Guy” is suit and tie all the way. He works 8-5 and is corporate through and through. He drinks Merlot with a chilled glass and uses baby oil when he churns his own butter. He prefers to eat at Quiznos and thinks Jared from Subway is nothing more than an anorexic pussy. He will only fuck doggy style because that’s how dogs fuck and they are his favorite animal. Mr. Rogers eats ass for breakfast. In this very picture he is fisting the king. That’s an “Ass Man.”

There are only a handful left and they are definitely a dying breed. You guessed it, I’m talking about the “Vag Man.” Like dinosaurs, they used to roam the earth, tearing up a woman’s vagina like a wrapped present on Christmas morning. They dress comfortably and wear diabetic shoes. They don’t eat at Hooters or Quiznos, they fucking cook. If they masturbate they use dry concrete as lube and wipe their ass with sandpaper. They don’t have sex with women, women have sex with them. I couldn’t find a picture of my grandfather so Leslie Nielsen will have to do.

Shavers Got Me Thinking

.

If we could get Ronald’s hands out of little boys’ pants, teach the King some fucking English and fly these love birds out to California….. we could potentially have the greatest sandwich in history, The Big Whopper Mac. I’ve got a boner just thinking about it. Well maybe not a boner, but definitely a semi. Come to think of it, this semi was probably brought on by watching Joel Osteen talk on the Hallmark Channel. That goofy bastard sure motivates me.

P.S. I haven’t taken a bath in 3 days and smell like pure beaver cunt.

Public Enemy No. 1

There’s just something about this asshole I don’t like. He looks like he’s always up to no good. No telling what kind of shenanigans this guy gets himself into. If this shithead ever woke me up to give me a sausage, egg, and cheese Croissan’Wich, I’d probably kick him in his royal dick, if he has one. Anyway, just a observation, Shavers Out!